World cure snatched

IF there was a cure for kleptomania, some people would take it!

Long distance?

DIAL-a-prayer keeps you hanging on for an eternity.

Make him feel at home

GEORGE BEST arrives at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter smiles at him and says "I'm afraid we can't offer you any football...but we do have a guy here who can turn water into wine".

Too many heroes

There are too many heroes - give wimps a go!

A stable price

HORSE manure has resisted the ravages of inflation. Twenty years ago it was $1 a bag and today it remains the same. Treasurer Costello should revel in it!

Filled with disgust

POLITICAL assurances are akin to those of dentists. You are given to understand it won't hurt, it does, and then you end up paying for it!

SUCKING up to the boss

A SURVEY indicates the one thing workers hate more than anything else is someone who sucks up to the boss. Well, I never suck up to the boss - but she still brings me tea in bed!

I really must get fit

I'm in very bad shape. Last week I went jogging...and the police picked me up for loitering!

Rotten luck!

I never have any luck. When I looked up my family tree - it was a bonsai!

Women slipping up?

A recent newspaper report indicates that women are changing shape and becoming apple-shaped rather than pear-shaped. Now I don't care if women are apple-shaped or pear-shaped, I like them all, but I must admit that I do tend to draw the line at women who look like bananas!

Sign language

A government that gives the people double digit unemployment can expect a single digit response.

What's the difference?

A Christian clergyman has expressed indignation over the publication of a photograph of a dead Iraqi soldier. I find this puzzling for, within his own establishment, I have witnessed numerous images of a poor man nailed to a wooden cross.

A cold front

Wouldn't it be nice if global warming were nothing more than something which melted the ice which keeps people and creeds poles apart?

Infidels

Be nice to an infidel: give her a kiss...and tell her you love her.

Watch that Christmas spirit

The spirit of Christmas is in the hands of the giver which, if you're not careful, can put you in the hands of the receiver.

Christmas in Iraq

Christmas is coming and it's not so much a Santa Clause that President George W. Bush will be looking for, as an Exit Clause.

Ready, steady, go!

We don't have to win the human race...just save it!

Michael Jackson spaced out

For the sake of innocent young boys, Michael Jackson should be encouraged to perform his 'Moon Dance' just one more time...and stay there!